I am firmly in the “you don’t need to be part of X minority to write characters in X minority” camp. If we didn’t celebrate people learning, researching, and trying, we’d keep these dividers up. Now if your plan is to write a character explicitly suffering the nuanced and painful circumstances of why they’re a minority maybe don’t do that if you don’t personally have that experience?
Anyway! I want more aces in fiction. Thus, non-aces should get comfortable writing us, cause we’re really not that scary, and there’s a ton of variety within the ace spectrum. I’m including demisexuals in here, but not aromantics because I am not any authority on aromanticism. As seen in the graph above, your ace, or aces, can be wildly different than whatever stereotype you have in your head.
You can be an ace romantic, you can be ace and any other sexuality or gender identity, you can be poly and ace. There is no limit.
So I spent way too long on the above graph that should include gender identity on it but that would require three axes and I want to keep this simple, so for today's purposes "orientation" includes gender identity. Here's five ace characters you could potentially write:
Character A: This character's aceness is neutral, as is their sexuality, since they don't desire anyone regardless of what's in their pants. They might have it from time to time, but will let the opportunity arise and the planets align to feel in the mood for it.
Character B: This character could be gay, bi, pan, lesbian, etc, and are more on the sex-positive side and leaning toward demi. They'll do it, maybe seek it out, but likely not with a stranger and not very often. They might only do it with their partner or someone they trust.
Character C: This character is, for all other intents and purposes, straight and cis. They might have a long-term partner, they might not, but they'll do it when the inclination arises, just probably won't have a hook-up or a one-night-stand with a stranger.
Character D: This character is also, for all other intents and purposes, straight and cis, but they want little to do with sex. Doesn't matter if they're in a romantic relationship. They don't seek it out and might actively avoid situations where they'd be pressured to participate.
Character E: This character is LGBTQ+ of some variety, but still not a fan of sex. They do not need a reason to justify their gayness because straight isn't the default. They might be in a monogomous or polyamourous relationship and in it for the cuddles and attention.
What does all that mean? It means I can write a gay male character who isn’t going to seek out someone to sleep with but might dabble if he’s in the mood and someone approaches him first, and still call him ace. I can also write a straight, cis-woman who wants absolutely nothing to do with it or any of its byproducts, and call her ace.
Asexuality isn’t necessarily a lack of libido, it’s a lack of attraction to other people. Aces aren’t all prude, clueless virgins, our sexuality is self-contained. Or, sometimes, it really is the lack of drive for any and all thoughts and sensations toward sex.
It’s a spectrum. A very wide and inclusive spectrum, which means there’s a lot of room to play around and not very many no-no’s (at least in my opinion). You can still write your aces in sex scenes. You can still write them finding other characters attractive. You can still write them wanting sex at all.
The no-no’s:
Every ace ever has heard “you just haven’t found the right person yet”. If you write an ace and their arc is curing themselves you’re completely missing the point
Thus, writing your ace realizing they’re cured after some amazing fanfic-level sexy times is also in bad form.
Writing an ace who’s ’I hate being ace it’s misery’ all the time. It’s not miserable. The only thing miserable about it is how we aren’t taken seriously by society.
An ace with a non-ace partner who justifies their partner cheating because they see themselves as “not good enough” or their relationship insufficient. This happens, and this is for ace authors only imo.
Ace who suddenly isn’t because of alcohol, medication, or drugs now free from their “disorder”
Ace = autistic/[insert mental disorder]. Yes, sometimes it can overlap, when you have people with sensory issues that includes a dislike for sex, but ace ≠ mental disorder in any way shape or form. If you’re going to write this, you’d better have that neurodivergence yourself or are super close with someone who does.
An ace who is only ace because of trauma, in a book that says asexuality is only possible through trauma and not just a thing that people feel
An ace who thinks they're an incel because they don't think anyone will love them without putting out, and the book's plot proves them right.
Why does this matter? Why do we want to see representation so badly? Two reasons, I think it can be boiled down to:
Sex ≠ Love. Intimacy doesn’t mean attraction.
Sex ≠ the only motivation a character can have.
Part of the reason I hated Disney’s Loki was because he spent a decade of real-world time being motivated by power, vengeance, redemption, fear, hate, respect, and insecurity. Loki never needed a romantic subplot to fulfill his arc and the one they gave him was garbage.
I support the drifting away from the obligatory romantic subplot, too (for all my aros out there) however, what’s even rarer is a romantic subplot that doesn’t include lust. A romance that is all about the emotional, personal connection, not just physical.
But it’s also about this dire need we have to unlearn that any attempt at physical intimacy at any level certainly means that sex is the endgame, particularly for men. Please write more characters that hug and cuddle on the couch to watch a movie and casually touch each other and even share a bed without it leading anywhere. Characters who hold hands just because. Who give cheek/nose/forehead kisses just for fun, or for love. Characters who don’t flip out when their crush takes their shirt off. Characters who can (or even prefer not to) see each other naked without libido getting in the way.
Now then.
What if you do want to write your ace pursuing or getting sex? (Or, fandom forbid, taking a canonical ace and writing them in a relationship and/or getting intimate). Aces can still want sex. But if you’re writing an ace solely to write them in a sex scene, why are you writing an ace?
If that’s only part of their character and not their primary motivation or arc, here’s some suggestions:
An ace who is curious about sex and wants to try it with someone they trust
An ace curious about sex so they hire a sex worker so there’s no perforamce pressure or emotional risk
An ace who will take the opportunity if it arises, but won’t go out looking for it
An ace determined to please their non-ace partner within the realm of their comfort zone (tread lightly here)
An ace who still (annoyingly or otherwise) dreams and fantasizes about other characters, and deals with that alone
An ace who doesn’t like anything done to them, but can get creative with their partner, or vice versa
An ace who does like some things but not all things related to sex. E.g. an ace that likes kissing but doesn’t want to go further than that.
An ace in a healthy and communicative relationship with another ace or a non-ace and there are zero worries of infidelity or the non-ace person leaving them
An ace who says no at any point and their partner listens and they go have fun doing anything else
I didn’t address Demis much but I think many of the same guidelines apply? Demis just have that one special person. But, see? We’re not scary.
I also don’t support the “minority representation must never be painted in a bad light/be the villain/be at all a jerk of a character because reasons”. If you want to make your villain ace, you have my permission. ***however*** Don’t make their aceness the root of their villainy, and don’t make them insult or degrade other characters for not being ace. Also, try to have at least one other ace in the cast, preferably on the hero side.
When in doubt, consult a sensitivity reader. I’m happy to oblige, because I very badly want my own army of fictional aces to fall in love with and they aren’t going to write themselves.
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